Scrubs: My Doogie

ACT ONE

INT. PATIENT’S ROOM — MORNING

ANGLE ON :

A LARGE NEEDLE in Keith’s hand.

KEITH
Alight, Ryan. Now you may feel some sliiiiight pressure.

He flicks the needle while RYAN, a college-aged fratboy-type kid, nervously looks on from his bed.

J.D.
“You may feel slight pressure” is a time-tested doctor lie for “this is gonna hurt. A lot.”

Ryan’s eyes widen as Keith draws closer.

INT. NURSES STATION — MOMENTS LATER

J.D. leans on a counter, keeping an eye on Ryan’s room.

RYAN
Ahhhhh!

J.D. shakes his head proudly.

J.D.
Classic.

J.D.’S P.O.V. :

Ryan rubs him arm while Keith takes notes on his chart. A nurse attaches an I.V.

J.D.
Even though he had just lied to and tortured that patient, there was no denying the fact that Keith had really picked up his game recently. And watching such a young doctor exhibit so much prowess was inspirational and pride-inducing.
(beat)
And painfully annoying.

BEGIN FANTASY SEQUENCE:

J.D.’S P.O.V.:

We see a familiar pair of untied high-tops. Pan up to see Keith now dressed in jeans, an ugly tie, an oversized lab coat and puffed-up hair, a la’ Doogie Howser. Doogie-Keith looks up from his chart.

DOOGIE-KEITH
(to nurse)
This kid is debilitated. His renal function’s decreased. His creatine level’s elevated. He can’t survive a transplant!

He looks at J.D.

DOOGIE-KEITH
Have you seen Wanda? I think we’re finally going to do it.

END FANTASY SEQUENCE

J.D.
(to Keith)
You’re too young to have sex!

Keith, Ryan and the nurse all look at J.D.

NURSE
(to J.D.)
You’re not my mom. Shoot.

J.D. awkwardly looks away, then his phone rings.

J.D.
Thank God.

TURK
(singing on phone)
D-D-D-DANGER LURKS BEHIND YOU…

J.D.
(singing)
…THERE’S A STRANGER OUT TO FIND YOU…

BEGIN FLASHBACK

INT. TURK AND CARLA’S LIVING ROOM — MORNING

Turk busts inside the front door. Nobody else is there.

The Ducktales theme song plays in the background.

J.D.
Because of a scheduling mishap at the hospital, Turk had found himself with an unexpected day off.

TURK
Hey, Izzy–

He stops himself.

J.D.
And since the Nanny had already taken Isabella to the park, he found himself in possession of the rarest of treasures for a new father…

He puts his hands together in mock prayer.

TURK
(to the heavens)
Thank you.

J.D.
…an empty apartment.

INT. TURK AND CARLA’S LIVING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

J.D.
First he put on the requisite ‘home-alone’ uniform…

Turk strips down to his boxers.

J.D.
Then he prepared a meal as delicious as it is dangerous:

Turk squeezes a tube of cookie dough into a bowl…

TURK
Mmmm…. Cookie Soup….

…and puts the bowl in the microwave.

J.D.
And finally, he booked his entertainment…

Turk sits on the couch, bowl of cookie soup by his side, watching the opening credits of Ducktales.

END FLASHBACK

INT. NURSES STATION — MOMENTS LATER

J.D. walks back towards the nurses station. Elliot is talking to Carla.

J.D.
(singing)
DUCKTALES…

EVERYBODY WITHIN EARSHOT
(singing)
WOO-HOO!

J.D.
I knew everybody loved that show…

ELLIOT
My dad had a money bin…

Everyone looks at her.

ELLIOT
I mean, it wasn’t that big–more like a money hut; although it was big enough to go swimming in–not that he did… He never swam, not after my uncle drowned… In water, of course, not money.

J.D.
Of course.

ELLIOT
Although, ironically, if he had just taken the gold out of his pockets, he probably could have made it back to the surface.
(beat)
Guess that’s a risk when you go digging for gold.

Carla gives J.D. a look.

CARLA
(to Elliot)
How is your mom doing?

She shakes her head.

ELLIOT
I just thought of her too! I gotta phone her.

THE TODD
Me too!

ELLIOT
Phone her, Todd.

She holds her hands out, exasperated.

THE TODD
Whatever.

He slaps one of her outstretched hands…

THE TODD
Milf-five!

…and walks away.

TURK
Baby!

Turk is walking up the hall, Carla runs from behind the nurses station to hug him.

CARLA
I can’t believe you remembered!

TURK
Of course.

CARLA
(to the others)
My husband came here on his day off just to see me on the anniversary of our first kiss.

She hugs him again and goes back to work. J.D. sidles up to him.

J.D.
Cable went out again?

TURK
Yup.
(beat)
And you know what? Reading sucks.

Keith walks out of Ryan’s room and up to Elliot.

ELLIOT
How’s it going in there?

KEITH
Great, actually. Dr. Cox let me take the lead.

J.D.
What?

He glares at Keith.

KEITH
Yeah, and he said that I could almost pass for competent.

J.D.
What?!

KEITH
He keeps calling me “Mrs. Reed” though.

J.D.
That’s basically a girls name!

He heads over to Keith and Elliot.

INT. HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

The Janitor walks up to Turk.

JANITOR
I knew about your anniversary.

TURK
What?

JANITOR
I know everything about all of you. How could I not, after all these years here, listening, watching…… waiting.

TURK
“Waiting?”

JANITOR
Oh, calm down. I was just trying to think of another “i-n-g” word.

TURK
And “cleaning” didn’t cross your mind?

JANITOR
Rarely does.

He looks at Turk for a moment and raises his fist. Turk sighs and fist bumps him, giving him reluctant props.

JANITOR
I really know that guy.

He motions down the hall; Turk follows his gaze to see J.D chasing after Dr. Cox. He laughs.

JANITOR
Hey, I probably know Dorian better than you do.

TURK
You realize that I lived with him for like, forever, right?

JANITOR
Don’t matter. There’s plenty of other ways to gather intelligence besides spooning with your roomie.

TURK
Alright, Jumpsuit. I was looking for something to do today. You think you know J.D. so well?…

The two circle around each other, getting face-to-face.

TURK
Why don’t you prove it?

INT. HALLWAY — LATER

J.D. has caught up to Dr. Cox.

J.D.
What the hell? Why are you coddling Keith? That’s not your style with interns; that definitely wasn’t your style with me.

DR. COX
I know, Jocelyn, I know. My style has been to stand in front of you, ranting and raving about whatever you just did wrong; something that, in theory, would seem easy because of your propensity to commit mistakes, yet in practice is exceedingly difficult because the more face time I have with you–

J.D. is standing with his arms outstretched.

DR. COX
–no–

J.D. puts his arms down.

DR. COX
–the more of a chance you have to try to hug me. So let me–admittedly, a little late–cut this short by getting to that ever elusive point: Keith is way, way waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than you were.
(beat)
Now excuse me, Newbie…

He walks past J.D., giving him a shoulder bump.

DR. COX
…I need to check on a patient.

J.D. watches him walk away.

INT. RYAN’S ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

Dr. Cox bursts in the room, grabbing the chart from Keith and scanning it.

RYAN
Well? Is it serious?

Dr. Cox and Elliot share a concerned look.

END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO

INT. CAFETERIA — DAY

Turk and Janitor are sitting at a table, glaring at each other over their trays. Carla sits at the head of the table, looking bored and holding some index cards.

CARLA
Biggest fear?

TURK AND JANITOR
Pennies.

CARLA
Favorite snack?

TURK AND JANITOR
Orange Sherbet Flintstone Push-Pops.

They are both on the edge of their seats

CARLA
Favorite movie?

TURK
On a date or for real?

CARLA
(rolls her eyes)
On a date.

TURK AND JANITOR
The Shawshank Redemption.

CARLA
Real favorite?

They are both standing and leaning towards each other.

TURK
Can’t Hardly Wait.

JANITOR
Muppets Take Manhattan.

Carla buries her head in her hands.

CARLA
(mumbling to herself)
Dear God, they’re both right.
(normal voice)
Hero?

Turk and Janitor look at each other, then both look down at Carla, giving her a “that is way too easy” look.

INT. RYAN’S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

Dr. Cox is going over Ryan’s chart off to the side by a nurse. Elliot and Keith are standing by Ryan. J.D. watches from the doorway.

RYAN
What’s going on?

Keith looks at Elliot, she gives him a nod.

KEITH
Your heart palpitations, elevated heart rate and shortness of breath, along with your initial ekg and bloodtest results, are leading us towards dilated cardiomiopathy…

Ryan looks confused.

KEITH
An enlarged heart.

Ryan still looks confused.

J.D.
An enlarged heart is one of the few conditions that is actually a lot more serious than it sounds.

INT. OUTSIDE RYAN’S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

J.D. tilts his head up.

BEGIN FANTASY SEQUENCE:

EXT. ICE CREAM PARLOR — SUNNY AFTERNOON

“Sunshine Lollipops and Rainbows” is playing.

Through the window, we see happy children and parents eating ice cream and drinking milkshakes inside.

PULL BACK to reveal a TEACHER standing with a GROUP OF ORPHANS, all dressed in ragged, 1950s newsies style clothes, sadly watching through the window.

BILLY, the smallest boy, tugs on the teacher’s sleeve.

BILLY
Why can’t we have ice cream like the other kids, Mr. Moffet? Is it because our parents are dead?

MR. MOFFET
I’m sorry, Billy. We just don’t have the money. The orphanage spent its last penny on the trip to get us here, outside this window.

HAPPY J.D.
Well, that doesn’t sit well with me–

The orphans all turn to see HAPPY J.D. sashay up to them. Happy J.D. smiles incessantly and has a LARGE LUMP on his chest.

He proudly taps his lump.

HAPPY J.D.
–or my giant heart.

He holds up ice cream cones for everybody.

HAPPY J.D.
Here you go, kids. And you too, Mr. Moffet!

BILLY
Thanks for the ice cream, sir.

HAPPY J.D.
Don’t worry, Billy, it’s my pleasure. After all, I do have the biiiiiggest heart in alllllll the la–

He clutches his lump and DROPS DEAD while the kids eat their ice cream.

END FANTASY SEQUENCE

J.D.
(to himself)
Didn’t even try to help… Orphans sure are greedy.

A HOT NURSE walks by and gives him an offended look.

J.D.
I love children!

INT. RYAN’S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

Ryan is still looking worried. Elliot kneels next to him.

ELLIOT
We’re going to keep testing you, ok? This is very commonly misdiagnosed; your symptoms could still easily be something else.

Dr. Cox looks up from the chart.

DR. COX
Not that easily, Barbie. Normally, yes, but since this winner also…

He holds up the chart.

DR. COX
…tested positive for cocaine on top of that binge drinking habit he has undoubtedly been perfecting at Alpha Kappa Chiiiiiiiii’m Gonna Slowly Kill Myself On Mommy And Daddy’s Tab, we now have before us a nineteen year old kid who’s given himself a fifty percent chance of having a disease that has a sixty percent chance of killing him.

He throws the chart on the ground and walks up to Ryan, lowering his voice.

Ryan is breathing heavily.

ELLIOT
Dr. Cox…

DR. COX
(to Ryan)
Now I know that was a lot of numbers to throw at you, not knowing for sure if you’ve had time for Math in between kegstands, eight-balls and reading your girlfriend’s totally deep poetry, but–

ELLIOT
Dr. Cox!

She’s pointing at Ryan’s monitor, as his heart rate is increasing rapidly. Dr. Cox looks back at Ryan, who is now having difficulty breathing.

Elliot, Keith and the Nurse spring up around Ryan, and Dr. Cox backs towards the doorway, where he notices J.D.

DR. COX
(off Keith)
He’s really something, isn’t he?

J.D. glares at him, then steps towards him.

J.D.
You may feel some sliiiiight pressure.

They look at each other for a moment before J.D. leans his head back, BARES HIS FANGS, and bites Dr. Cox on the jugular.

After a moment, J.D. drops the lifeless Dr. Cox to the floor, wipes the blood from his fangs and licks his fingers.

J.D.
(to himself)
Mmmmmm, scotch-y.

He takes a step, then falls down next to dead Dr. Cox.

J.D.
Wow, he musta been like 80 proof.

He hiccups.

END FANTASY

Dr. Cox and J.D. are still in the doorway.

Ryan’s back to normal and asleep.

Dr. Cox looks from sleeping Ryan to daydreaming J.D., grunts, and walks away, leaving J.D. in the doorway.

INT. NURSES STATION — CONTINUOUS

Turk and the Janitor’s heads pop up from behind the counter as they peer over towards J.D.

They both hold up pads of paper.

TURK
Floating Head Doctor.

JANITOR
Dr. Acula.

THEIR P.O.V.:

J.D. rubbing his “fangs,” and then walking away.

TURK
Daaayamn!

He slaps money into the Janitor’s waiting hand.

JANITOR
Athankyou.

DR. KELSO
What are you three idiots doing?

Turk and the Janitor turn around–still kneeling in front of the desk–to see Dr. Kelso standing over them.

The Janitor pulls out a hankie and starts wiping the floor.

JANITOR
Cleaning, sir. As always.

Dr. Kelso raises an eyebrow.

TURK
Wait, did you say three idiots?

TED
That’s what I heard.

Turk and the Janitor whip their heads around to see Ted sprawled out under the desk, hands behind his head.

TURK
Ted! What are you doing down here?

TED
My roofed was leaking and my half of the bed got ruined. And mother won’t share her half.
(whispering)
I live here now.

Turk and the Janitor stare, bewildered.

Todd’s head suddenly appears, as he leans upside-down over the counter. He holds his hand up.

THE TODD
(to Ted)
Milf air-five!

Ted starts to hold up his hand, but Turk grabs it back down, shaking his head “no.”

Dr. Kelso shakes his head…

DR. KELSO
I hate this place.

…and walks away.

Turk and the Janitor stand up.

TURK
Ok, so we’ve covered the Lightning Round and Daydreaming Face Recognition.

They walk down the hall.

INT. HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

JANITOR
And now we make predictions.

TURK
Explain.

JANITOR
For instance, Dorian is a neurotic, obsessive little whiney-face who, today, is feeling especially insecure. He’s gonna want to talk it out. So, obviously, his next step will be to call the closest thing he has to a girlfriend.

Turk’s phone rings. He takes it out of his pocket and gives the Janitor a look.

The Janitor holds up his paper, which says “call Bald, Black Doctor.”

JANITOR
It’s just science, really.
(beat)
That’s another point for me.

Turk goes to answer it, but the Janitor stops him.

JANITOR
Can’t. You’ll contaminate the specimen.

Turk reluctantly nods his agreement.

TURK
Ok, let’s do this.

They both start scribbling on their papers.

INT. CAFETERIA — LATER

J.D. is sitting at a table by himself, holding his phone up to his ear.

J.D.
(to himself)
Come on, B. Bear.

He waits a moment before shutting his phone and shaking his head.

J.D.
(to himself)
Hope the Cookie Soup hasn’t incapacitated him…

J.D.
I was feeling uncharacteristically neurotic and obsessive, and I realized that there was only one way to set things right…

INT. NURSES STATION — LATER

J.D. is leaning on the front of the counter. Carla sits behind it, filling out paperwork.

J.D.
…I would talk about it with everyone.

J.D.
Ok, Carla, on a scale of one-to-ten, with one being Doug…

Doug, who was walking by, stops.

DOUG.
Heyyyyy.
(beat)
Eh, you’re right.

He shrugs and resumes walking.

DOUG.
(shaking his head and smiling)
I sure killed a lot of people…

J.D.
…and ten being–I don’t know–Doogie Howser, how good is Keith?

Carla looks up from her stack of work.

CARLA
He’s pretty good.

J.D.
Better than me?

CARLA
Oh, Bambi…you were so cute.

J.D.
Were?

He half-turns and slaps his butt.

J.D.
Have you seen this, girl?

J.D.
Wait, she’s distracting you!

J.D.
Carla, come on, level with me.

CARLA
Ooh, remember when you were too scared to touch anybody, and you had to get the nurses to do everything for you?

J.D. walks away while she cracks up.

Down the hall, Turk and the Janitor both cockily show off their papers.

Turk’s says, “Carla,” and the Janitor’s says, “Scary Nurse Wife.” They toast their pads together and nod.

INT. HOSPITAL GYM — LATER

Jordan is on an elliptical machine, and J.D. is standing next to her.

JORDAN
Who’s Keith again? And you… that giant schnoz looks somewhat familiar… isn’t it Carol-something?..

J.D.
This has been helpful, thank you.

JORDAN
Yeah, whatever. Less talky, more spritzy.

Sighing, J.D. holds up a water bottle and sprays mist on her.

Turk and the Janitor peer at them from behind a stack of weights, then compare notes.

Turk’s says, “Coffee with Eliot,” and the Janitors says, “Spritz Jordan in the Gym.” Turk frowns and hands him money.

INT. DR. KELSO’S OFFICE — LATER

Dr. Kelso is sitting behind his desk, J.D. stands in front of him.

DR. KELSO
I’ll tell you what I told my son Harrison after his first day of high school gym: Everybody develops at a different rate, Sport. There’s never a lot to be gained by comparing yourself.

J.D. slowly nods to himself.

DR. KELSO
Of course, he hadn’t been ‘comparing’ so much as ‘ogling,’ but that’s not really the point now, is it?

J.D.
I don’t think so, sir.

INT. HALLWAY — LATER

Turk and the Janitor are listening on the other side of Dr. Kelso’s office door, and the Janitor proudly holds up his paper.

ANGLE ON: THE JANITOR’S PAPER

We see a crude yet unmistakable drawing of the previous scene with J.D. and Dr. Kelso.

Turk looks shocked.

JANITOR
Ooooh.

ANGLE ON : THE JANITOR’S PAPER

The Janitor starts flipping the pages of his notebook; it is a FLIPBOOK and it re-creates the J.D. and Dr. Kelso scene, complete with speech-bubbles.

Turk is wide-eyed.

JANITOR
Ahhhh.

Dr. Cox walks past them, does a double take, then keeps walking. Keith catches up to him, holding a chart.

KEITH
Dr. Cox! Take a look at Ryan’s echo results…

Dr. Cox looks over the chart, growls, and looks up.

They double back down the hall.

INT. OUTSIDE RYAN’S ROOM — LATER

ELLIOT
Oh my God, J.D., you have to drop this.

J.D.
I know, I know. I just… can’t for some reason.

Elliot looks at him for a moment, as if she’s deciding something.

ELLIOT
It makes sense, J.D. This is how you are. You’re competitive and you haven’t had a win in awhile. You’re a solid doctor, but you haven’t stood out. I got into private practice, Turk got the surgical residency, and now Keith’s doing well enough that even Dr. Cox has to acknowledge it. And all this time, you’ve just been… here.

J.D. looks at her.

J.D.
Around here, you can learn a lot in an afternoon.

INT. CAFETERIA — LATER

Turk and the Janitor are sitting at a table. In front of the Janitor is a tray full of food and a pile of money. In front of Turk is nothing. He’s looking over his prediction list with disbelief.

J.D.
Whether it’s finding out that the knowledge you’ve gained from being best friends with someone for fourteen years is nothing compared to what you’d know after a mere five years of stalking…

Turk holds his head in his hands.

TURK
(to himself)
I can’t believe he won.

JANITOR
(off his money pile)
I think I’m gonna buy a camel.

Turk looks at him.

JANITOR
I’ve always fancied myself a good spitter, and, well, if you wanna be the best, you gotta beat the best.

Turk drops his head on the table.

INT. OUTSIDE RYAN’S ROOM — LATER

Elliot and J.D. are still in the same spot in the hallway.

J.D.
Or discovering that you’re not quite as good as you thought you were…

ELLIOT
I’m sorry J.D., I didn’t mean to be harsh.

J.D.
Harsh? No, no. We’re friends. The truth is good.

He starts fidgeting.

J.D.
(getting higher and higher pitched)
Better than good, really. In fact, good-er would apply, if only it were a word. It really should be. I think i’ll write a letter…

Dr. Cox and Keith come up to them.

DR. COX
(to Elliot)
C’mon, Barbie.

They head into Ryan’s room. Elliot looks back at J.D apologetically.

J.D.
(to himself)
Damn.

INT. RYAN’S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

J.D.
And sometimes, on a great day, learning that somebody’s isn’t as sick as you feared.

Dr. Cox leads the other two into the room, holding the same LARGE NEEDLE from before up high. Ryan looks at it.

DR. COX
(to Ryan)
We need more blood. Lots of it.

On the monitor, Ryan’s heart rate starts increasing.

DR. COX
(in a mock-surprised voice)
Oh, wait. I am wrong. You don’t need a shot.

He drops the needle on the ground.

Ryan’s heart rate begins dropping.

DR. COX
You’re having panic attacks, Ryan. Your heart is fine.

Ryan looks away from him.

J.D.
Of course, sometimes an afternoon just isn’t enough time to figure out everything.

ELLIOT
This is good news, Ryan.

RYAN
No, it’s not. Keep checking my heart.

KEITH
Ry–

RYAN
Keep checking!

END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE

INT. NURSES STATION — LATER

Elliot, Carla and Dr. Cox lean on the counter, looking into Ryan’s room.

THEIR P.O.V.: RYAN’S ROOM

Ryan stares at the ceiling while a nurse sticks electrodes onto his chest.

RYAN
I am not a crazy person. I am not a crazy person.

NURSE
Keep repeating yourself; that’ll help your cause.

Carla turns to Dr. Cox.

CARLA
I don’t get it, why’s Ryan having so much trouble with this? Having a panic attack is not a big deal.

ELLIOT
I had one this morning.

CARLA
Oh yeah, when that patient thought you were forty?

Elliot looks at her a moment.

ELLIOT
Ok, I had two this morning.

Dr. Cox gives her a look.

ELLIOT
They put whipped cream on my half-caf!

Dr. Cox keeps looking at her.

ELLIOT
I said no whip!
(beat)
No whip, Perry!

Dr. Cox chops his right hand onto his left palm.

DR. COX
Aaaaaaaaaand scene. This latest excruciating excerpt from I’m Crazy And Strangely Proud Of It staring Dr. Reed aside, the last thing a kid like Ryan wants to hear is that something’s wrong with his head. I mean, think about it, he’s gotta go back to school and tell everyone that he went to the hospital because he thought he was sick.

CARLA
But panic disorder is a real condition.

DR. COX
I know that, Carla. We just need our patient to figure it out. Luckily–

He reaches up and high-fives the STAFF PSYCHIATRIST, a tired, nervous-looking man, as he steps up to them.

DR. COX
–Brian here is the best damned psychiatrist in this dump.

BRIAN
I know you’re just buttering me up so I’ll help you.

DR. COX
(to Elliot and Carla)
See?
(to Brian)
Go get ’em.

Brian walks off.

CARLA
Have any of you seen Turk lately?

Brian walks back up, shaking his head.

ELLIOT
That was quick.

BRIAN
He won’t talk.

DR. COX
Congrats, “doc,” on yet another proud day for your wonderful specialty.

Brian trudges away.

DR. COX
(to Elliot)
Wait, did I say “wonderful?”

She nods.

DR. COX
(to Brian)
I meant “useless.”

Suddenly, a loud knocking can be heard from the underside of the desk. They all look under it to see Ted, in his pajamas, sipping some tea and reading the paper.

TED
Keep it down, please.

They all stare at him, and he shrugs.

TED
I took a half day.

INT. CAFETERIA — LATER

J.D. stands by a counter, spreading peanut butter on a piece of bread.

J.D.
I knew that they were having trouble with Ryan, but I was having problems of my own.

J.D.
Larry! There’s no more blueberry!

From behind the counter, LARRY, a cafeteria worker, glares at J.D. and slides a jar of jam towards him.

J.D.
Thank you, Larry.

LARRY
(mockingly imitating J.D.)
“Thank you, Larry.”

J.D. shrugs.

J.D.
After clearing that little hurdle, I could get back to focusing on Keith. Stupid, perfect Keith.

J.D. picks up the jam and tries to unscrew the top.

J.D.
Stupid, perfect, younger, prettier…

J.D. struggles mightily to unscrew the jam top. His narration gets more and more frustrated as his fight with the jar becomes more violent.

J.D.
…Everybody-loves-me-cause-I-have-abs-and-vast-medical-knowledge-and-my-stupid-hair-puffs-up-all-stupid-in-the-front-and-Dr.-Cox-loves-me Keith.

KEITH
Let me.

J.D. looks up as Keith takes the jar from his hands and easily pops it open.

J.D.
Son of a bitch!

He tries to compose himself.

J.D.
What do you want, Keith?

KEITH
I need your help.

J.D.
Oh… Sure.
(beat)
But you’ll owe me.

KEITH
Helping a patient isn’t enough?

J.D.
Nobody likes a kiss-ass, Keith.

EXT. SACRED HEART — LATER

Dr. Kelso sits on a bench holding a cupcake.

DR. KELSO
(to cupcake)
So we meet again, do we? Well, I’m going to be honest with you, my dear: I am through fighting. Take me away. Sing, sing your sugary-sweet siren songs to me.

He opens his mouth to take a bite, when, suddenly the cupcake EXPLODES in his hand.

DR. KELSO
(to the heavens)
Noooo!

EXT. ROOF — CONTINUOUS

Turk and The Janitor are looking over the edge of the roof at Kelso. The Janitor has something in his mouth.

TURK
You are good.

JANITOR
Mmmhp thmm.

The Janitor spits a seed out at incredible velocity; it bounces off a wall back towards him and he catches it.

JANITOR
Thank you.

Turk looks at the crack the seed made in the wall.

TURK
Why do you learn all this stuff?

JANITOR
My job is pretty boring.

Turk nods, and they start walking towards the door.

TURK
Look, I’m gonna look past the creepiness of your knowledge and onto the knowledge itself, which, I gotta admit, is impressive. But I gotta ask you something.

JANITOR
You hit ’em in between the eyes first, to stun them, and then you kill them.

TURK
So not the question. Look, if you know so much about J.D., how can you hate him so much?

The Janitor shrugs and opens the door.

INT. OUTSIDE RYAN’S ROOM — LATER

Dr. Cox is waiting when J.D. walks out.

DR. COX
Well?

J.D.
Making some progress.
(beat)
He sure doesn’t like you though.

DR. COX
Of course not, he thinks I called him crazy.

J.D.
I think it was more because you gave him a lot of crap for something he didn’t have. Maybe you should let Keith take the lead again…

DR. COX
Look, Newbie. We all have our place here. My job is to kick his ass so he doesn’t have to come back. And no, that process usually doesn’t end up with me being the best person to dole out any necessary touchie-feelies. And Keith is a good intern. Hell, he’s a fantastic intern. But he’s still an intern, and therefore, a moron. Just like you were, and just like you are if you continue to let the fact that he may be a little more skilled than you were five years ago overshadow what you are now.

J.D.
And that is?

DR. COX
An annoying, needy, chore of a woman–

J.D. is standing with his arms outstretched.

DR. COX
–No–

J.D. puts his hands down.

DR. COX
–Who happens to be very good at connecting with patients. Now come on, Rosie…

He rolls up his sleeve and strikes the “Rosie the Riveter” pose.

DR. COX
You can do it.

J.D. slowly turns away.

J.D.
It’s amazing the effect the right words can have on your state of mind.

INT. HALLWAY — LATER

Turk and the Janitor walk down the hallway. The Janitor is counting his money.

TURK
You know what? I don’t even care that you won. Cause you may know a lot about J.D., but you don’t know him at all.

The Janitor peers over at him, over his cash.

TURK
So you go buy your squirrel or your camel or whatever; I don’t care.

JANITOR
I already bought something.

INT. RYAN’S ROOM — LATER

J.D.
Maybe they’ll give you the confidence to keep doing your job.

J.D. is talking to Ryan, his arm on his shoulder…

J.D.
Or the courage to take an important step.

…And then Ryan reaches over and shakes hands with Brian.

INT. OUTSIDE RYAN’S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

Dr. Cox and Elliot are watching J.D., Ryan and Brian.

J.D.
Or the chance to see somebody in a slightly different light.

The Janitor walks up to Dr. Cox and holds up his money.

JANITOR
You did good work today.

Dr. Cox grabs the money.

DR.COX
You know, I woulda done it for free.

He walks away, waving his hands dramatically.

DR.COX
(high-pitched voice)
Keith is the best! Keith is better than you! All hail Keith!

JANITOR
(to himself)
I know…

He turns to look at Turk, who had been watching, incredulous.

JANITOR
…I know everybody.

TURK
I don’t believe it. You paid him to mess with J.D.

JANITOR
Everybody needs a hobby, Christopher Duncan.

Turk nods, then switches gears.

TURK
You realize that you just gave him all the money you won today…

The Janitor just stares at him.

INT. NURSES STATION — LATER

ANGLE ON : A BLANK, BLUE COMPUTER SCREEN

Words are slowly typed across the blue screen, while the Doogie Howser end-of-episode music plays:

I know that they make a world of difference to me.

PULL BACK to reveal that Keith is typing at the computer. He looks over his shoulder to talk to J.D.

KEITH
How long do I have to dictate your diary?

J.D.
Two weeks, Keith. You owe me.
(beat)
And it’s a journal.

He shakes his head.

J.D.
What a moron.

End.

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