Elevators are going to have company…

There’s just something about the NBA on TNT that puts me in a bloggy mood….

There’s no easy way to come clean about this, so i’m just gonna put it out there and then you can digest it at your leisure:

I went on ebay and I bought Strength Shoes.TM

Now I know that some of you are tragically unhip; unwilling or unable to breath the rarefied air of the high-flyer, scared to unlock the true potential of your calves and are therefore unaware of what strength shoes are. For you sad souls, here’s a picture:


Pretty bad ass, right?

Now in case you’ve forgotten the point, I bought these!!!

Don’t get me wrong, they were a great deal; I really couldn’t afford not to get them. Well, as great as a deal for someone’s old sneaks can be. Anyway, the story:

Chapter One: In Which Our Hero Realizes There is More To Life Than Blogging

I really want to be able to dunk. This is no passing fancy, this is one of those things that sits in the back of your head all the time. Here’s some proof. And I made that two years ago.

I realized the last couple months that I could jump a little higher. I had started running, lost a bit o’ weight, and apparently the combination worked, because I could jump up and aaaaaaaaaaaaalmost grab the rim. With months of hard work under my belt, with my lifelong1 dream so close, I knew, unequivocally, that now was the time for a quick fix. But, dear readers, where was I to turn?

Chapter Two: The Internet Comes A’Callin.

So I googled various forms of “jumpy shoes,” “dunking shoes,” “shoes jewish 6’ jump higher ,” until finally eureka-ing and searching for “strength shoes.”

What follows is the conversation between the Strength Shoe website’s blurb (all direct-from-the-site quotes) and my poor, overmatched brain:

Strength Shoes: How do they work? Strength Systems, Inc. created the concept of frontal training platform shoes. In regular shoes, 70% of the bodys weight rests on the heel. Therefore, the calf muscles exert little effort in supporting the body.

Elevators Go Up’s Brain: Stupid, lazy calves…

Strength Shoes: With Strength Shoes workouts, the heel is eliminated, causing the calves to support 100% of the body’s weight.

Elevators Go Up’s Brain: Heh heh, that’ll learn ya, calves. Slacking, lazy, stupid…

Strength Shoes: This overload works the calves and Achilles tendons with a force equal to 6 times the body’s weight upon impact.

Elevators Go Up’s Brain: Well, that’s just science. No complaints so far.

Strength Shoes: Your burning desire to improve is natural.

Elevator’s Go Up’s Brain: Nice. And it is burning, thanks for noticing.

Strength Shoes: You can learn to jump higher, run faster, increase quickness and slam dunk, spike the ball, score touchdowns and much more.

Elevator’s Go Up’s Brain: Damn, I just wanted to dunk. This is just getting better and better. I bet scoring touchdowns will be awesome.

Strength Shoes: You’ll look very cool with these Strength Shoes on your feet.

Elevator’s Go Up’s Brain: Well, that goes without saying.

Strength Shoes: Only $124.95.

Elevator’s Go Up’s Brain: Fuck you, Strength Shoes. Goin’ to ebay…

Chapter 3: A Package Arrives

So now I have a pair of these frickin’ strength shoes in my apartment. They do fit, so that’s a plus. And let’s not forget that I got them for 100 dollars less than market value. But, they are absolutely ridiculous. I’ve clomped around my apartment a couple times and I don’t think there’s any way that I will ever wear them outside. I am also second guessing the website’s math a little bit, because it feels less like my calves are getting a workout and more like my kneecaps are trying to extricate themselves from my knees. I am taller in these shoes, so I guess I am technically closer to the rim and theoretically closer to dunking, but again, unless I install a hoop in my apartment, I will never wear these anywhere close to a rim. So that’s moot.

Chapter 4: In Which Our Hero Learns Another In (Hopefully) A Series Of Important Lessons

When you’re up late at night and bored and you have just deposited your paycheck four days earlier so you are definitely sure that all the money has cleared, you shouldn’t go on ebay and buy ridiculous-looking shoes that supposedly will help you learn how to dunk. Because, dear readers, if we have learned anything today, it is that the only way to achieve your dreams is through hard work, dedication and your MIR Pro Weighted Fitness Training VestTM made of heavy-duty 1200D reinforced nylon, featuring double padded shoulders for added comfort, and mesh vented inside for breathability that is definitely not already in the mail! Holler!


As a side note, I have realized that this is my longest entry, by far. And it’s about dunking and ridiculous shoes. Not sure how i’m feeling about this, but i’m sure i’ll feel better when i’m kissing the rim.


1 give or take 28 years

The best things in life are free

and i still can’t afford them.

This entry brought to you by Valentine’s Day and my subsequent sugar high:

Time to face facts, ladies and gentlemen. Spending evening after evening alone, running to the gym and then running back to write, is just pathetic. Having a blog doesn’t make it much better. And most importantly, constantly writing about writing is for chumps.1 So tonight, a quick aside.

Valentine’s day or not, i knew i was going to come home after work, eat some dinner, go to the gym, and write; probably watch some stewart and colbert and nba on tnt. Whatever. This blog is not about why i was spending another valentine’s alone, mind you.  The fact that it was a “special” day was by no means at the forefront of my mind, but it would get shoved there by various acts of randomness. Anyway, i’m heading to the gym when a smiling couple2 walks by and, again, it hits me what day it is. “Wow,” i think to myself, “this is gonna be a depressing place tonight.” Right? I mean, most people spend their time working out to avoid being alone at times like this. “But,” i reasoned, “tonight is the night to find out which of those countless beautiful girls you see every night are single!” It was time for a GRAND EXPERIMENT!! I was empowered, handed a fool-proof boyfriend/fiance/husband filter. I just had to show up at the “lab,” and the eligible women would divulge themselves, their true state revealed by the gym’s valentine’s day eve florescent lighting.

The free weights were hardly used. The boxing area empty as usual. Not much information gleamed at first. But as i descended the stairs to the cardio floor, the floor that perpetually teemed with spandex and ponytails, i knew that some mysterious were about to be solved.

2 old woman on stairmasters. 6 fat men on treadmills. 1, i swear, little kid walking around. And that was it.

So, two conclusions we can draw from this. One, that there are no single girls in new york. Or at least, at this particular gym with thousands of members. Two, that the single girls were simply at home, too prideful to show theirfaces at the gym on valentine’s day eve. I can easily believe either of these. All i know is that, one way or another, my GRAND EXPERIMENT was a bust.

Thanks, ladies.

1 Ironically, reading about my writing about my writing is the cat’s pajamas. Am i right, blog fans!?

2 The worst kind.

Eureka, maybe.

So the entries are slowing down, but the fiction’s picking up.

I think.

Anyway, the problem I have with these larger projects is not finding the time or desire to work, but just trying to figure out if the work is moving in the right, if any, direction.   But tonight, while running on the treadmill at the gym, I think it hit me.  Exactly which project to focus on, and how to pull it off.  I think.   Cause you never really know, but you can delude yourself just the right amount.  And I am delusional, baby.

So, if i can get some good stuff done, maybe i’ll put it up here.

Wish me luck, non-existant readers.