There’s just something about the NBA on TNT that puts me in a bloggy mood….
There’s no easy way to come clean about this, so i’m just gonna put it out there and then you can digest it at your leisure:
I went on ebay and I bought Strength Shoes.TM
Now I know that some of you are tragically unhip; unwilling or unable to breath the rarefied air of the high-flyer, scared to unlock the true potential of your calves and are therefore unaware of what strength shoes are. For you sad souls, here’s a picture:
Pretty bad ass, right?
Now in case you’ve forgotten the point, I bought these!!!
Don’t get me wrong, they were a great deal; I really couldn’t afford not to get them. Well, as great as a deal for someone’s old sneaks can be. Anyway, the story:
Chapter One: In Which Our Hero Realizes There is More To Life Than Blogging
I really want to be able to dunk. This is no passing fancy, this is one of those things that sits in the back of your head all the time. Here’s some proof. And I made that two years ago.
I realized the last couple months that I could jump a little higher. I had started running, lost a bit o’ weight, and apparently the combination worked, because I could jump up and aaaaaaaaaaaaalmost grab the rim. With months of hard work under my belt, with my lifelong1 dream so close, I knew, unequivocally, that now was the time for a quick fix. But, dear readers, where was I to turn?
Chapter Two: The Internet Comes A’Callin.
So I googled various forms of “jumpy shoes,” “dunking shoes,” “shoes jewish 6’ jump higher ,” until finally eureka-ing and searching for “strength shoes.”
What follows is the conversation between the Strength Shoe website’s blurb (all direct-from-the-site quotes) and my poor, overmatched brain:
Strength Shoes: How do they work? Strength Systems, Inc. created the concept of frontal training platform shoes. In regular shoes, 70% of the bodys weight rests on the heel. Therefore, the calf muscles exert little effort in supporting the body.
Elevators Go Up’s Brain: Stupid, lazy calves…
Strength Shoes: With Strength Shoes workouts, the heel is eliminated, causing the calves to support 100% of the body’s weight.
Elevators Go Up’s Brain: Heh heh, that’ll learn ya, calves. Slacking, lazy, stupid…
Strength Shoes: This overload works the calves and Achilles tendons with a force equal to 6 times the body’s weight upon impact.
Elevators Go Up’s Brain: Well, that’s just science. No complaints so far.
Strength Shoes: Your burning desire to improve is natural.
Elevator’s Go Up’s Brain: Nice. And it is burning, thanks for noticing.
Strength Shoes: You can learn to jump higher, run faster, increase quickness and slam dunk, spike the ball, score touchdowns and much more.
Elevator’s Go Up’s Brain: Damn, I just wanted to dunk. This is just getting better and better. I bet scoring touchdowns will be awesome.
Strength Shoes: You’ll look very cool with these Strength Shoes on your feet.
Elevator’s Go Up’s Brain: Well, that goes without saying.
Strength Shoes: Only $124.95.
Elevator’s Go Up’s Brain: Fuck you, Strength Shoes. Goin’ to ebay…
Chapter 3: A Package Arrives
So now I have a pair of these frickin’ strength shoes in my apartment. They do fit, so that’s a plus. And let’s not forget that I got them for 100 dollars less than market value. But, they are absolutely ridiculous. I’ve clomped around my apartment a couple times and I don’t think there’s any way that I will ever wear them outside. I am also second guessing the website’s math a little bit, because it feels less like my calves are getting a workout and more like my kneecaps are trying to extricate themselves from my knees. I am taller in these shoes, so I guess I am technically closer to the rim and theoretically closer to dunking, but again, unless I install a hoop in my apartment, I will never wear these anywhere close to a rim. So that’s moot.
Chapter 4: In Which Our Hero Learns Another In (Hopefully) A Series Of Important Lessons
When you’re up late at night and bored and you have just deposited your paycheck four days earlier so you are definitely sure that all the money has cleared, you shouldn’t go on ebay and buy ridiculous-looking shoes that supposedly will help you learn how to dunk. Because, dear readers, if we have learned anything today, it is that the only way to achieve your dreams is through hard work, dedication and your MIR Pro Weighted Fitness Training VestTM made of heavy-duty 1200D reinforced nylon, featuring double padded shoulders for added comfort, and mesh vented inside for breathability that is definitely not already in the mail! Holler!
As a side note, I have realized that this is my longest entry, by far. And it’s about dunking and ridiculous shoes. Not sure how i’m feeling about this, but i’m sure i’ll feel better when i’m kissing the rim.
1 give or take 28 years